Tourniquet

The following article was written 10 years ago, at BaseballHQ.com, during the season that was filmed for the “Fantasyland” documentary. In honor of my current last place Tout Wars team, and Memorial Day, I present this redux. 

I woke up on the morning of April 24 to find my Tout Wars team (12-team AL) in last place. Not only was this team scraping bottom, but it was doing it in style… 39 points, 62 points out of first… and 10 points behind the 11th place team. I don’t worry too much about these things in April; it’s early, the dust hasn’t yet cleared on all the anomalies.

But it didn’t get any better. Over a week later, as I sat by my computer watching the live scoring on Sunday afternoon, May 4, I watched as my team dropped to 30 points, 20 points out of 11th.

April started out well enough. I was among the top three teams after two weeks. Then came the two weeks from hell. During those two weeks, my team ERAs were 6.55 and 6.10. The entire staff managed a grand total of two wins after Tax Day. On the offense side, my team hit 24 HRs for the month, but only six total during the last two weeks.

No matter what players I trotted out there, they stunk.

I had not been in this position for a very long time, so I wasn’t quite sure how to react. Half of me was thinking, “Heck, Shandler, you knew you drafted a questionable team, so just suck it up.” The other half of me was thinking, “Holy crap, this is going to be on film.” And still another half of me was thinking, “No wonder you are in such bad shape; you’ve forgotten how to add fractions.”

I can’t even use the excuse that the standings don’t mean anything until May 15. Even if my team went on a mega-tear between now and then, I’ll still likely be in last place.

That’s the bad news.

The good news is… well, that I can even find some good news. I’m actually reveling in this situation. Besides a little bit of humility being good for the soul, this is the ultimate challenge. I haven’t been his far behind in so long, I had forgotten the skills it takes to dig yourself out. Since about 1 in 12 owners in every 12-team league is in the same situation, this is a useful exercise.

So, what do you do?

1. Stop the bleeding.

While every at bat and inning is precious, sometimes you have to sacrifice a bunch just so you can take a step back and catch a breath. For the first week in May, I sat down everyone who could possibly do damage. All questionable starting pitchers. Any batter in a slump. If it was possible to leave some injured or demoted players active, I did so. “No playing time” was the tourniquet I needed to stop the bleeding.

Of course, there is always the danger of missing out on a decent start or two. That’s a downside of damage control, but it’s necessary in order to regain control. The first step had to be to stop the team from sinking any further.

2. Assess the team makeup

No matter how bad it looked, it was still only one month, and the damage was still a small data sample. If the team still had talent, I had to ride it. So, no knee-jerk roster moves.

And in fact, there were plenty of things to be optimistic about. I had reserve players like Adam Lind, Garrett Olson and Aaron Laffey ready to jump in and help. Brandon Inge was about to become eligible at catcher. Mike Lowell and Kevin Slowey were coming back soon. Joe Borowski had a closer job still waiting for him. Even Nick Punto was hitting a bit. Would I be hallucinating to think that this team could turn it around on the back of Nick Punto?

Um, yes. But you get the point.

3. Assess the standings

One of the good things about being in this situation so early is that there is still the potential for a ton of movement in the standings. If an “April from Hell” occurs in September (as it occasionally does), there is pretty much nothing you can do but watch helplessly in horror. At least now there are still five months to fix things.

And in fact, an analysis of the Tout Wars standings showed that:

• While I was in 8th in HRs, I was only 9 homers out of 1st
• While I was in 5th in SBs, I was only 8 steals from 1st.
• While I was in 10th place in batting average, a .005 gain would net me a quick 3 points.
• While I was in 11th or 12th in all five pitching categories, I still had my health.

3. Spend a bunch of FAAB

Waiting for the big impact trade deadline league-crossers is not something a last place team has the luxury of doing. Now is the time to spend FAAB aggressively on any player with a pulse and potential for value. It is not so important to fill needs directly; odds are the free agent pool is too shallow in a deep league to do that anyway. It is more important to stockpile potential trading chips.

With a team mired in 15th place in a 12-team league, my most valuable commodity right now was the $97 of free agent money sitting in my budget. And knowing that offense needs to be acquired while pitching can be managed, I set my sights on two key league-crossers that week — Rajai Davis and Gabe Gross. I bid $45 on each, and thanks to William Vickrey, acquired Davis for $34 and Gross for $12. I now had seven outfielders for the five outfield slots on my roster.

4. Trade to upgrade

There is no point having offensive players sitting on reserve in a deep league, so I set out to trade my excess. The absolute, most valuable tool for orchestrating a trade when you are in 36th place in a 12-team league is… self-deprecating humor. If you come off as not taking yourself seriously, nobody will see you as a threat. Here was my mass missive:

I’ve scanned all of your teams to try to find a good-fit-trade-partner to cultivate a one-on-one targeted negotiation. I came up empty, but now realize why… I hate every player in the American League. So unfortunately, I have to resort to this impersonal email blast in hopes that someone can see something that I have not. Here are the details:

1. I am like 18 points out of 11th place. I am even behind the rookie. I am no threat to you. You could conceivably trade me ANYTHING and I won’t hurt you. Heck, you could trade me your entire team and I probably still won’t pass Jed.

2. If you look at your roster, you might find some weak spots in the outfield. Now, close your eyes and imagine what those roster spots might look like with more productive players. Seriously, close your eyes. I’ll wait.

3. I have seven outfielders and only five spots to put them in. If you do the math (again, I’ll wait), that means I could trade you TWO (2) outfielders. If you need speed, I’ve got Joey Gathright and Rajai Davis (pictured). If you need pop, I’ve got Torii Hunter and Grady Sizemore (though that duo will clearly cost a bit more). If you are into young things, I have Adam Lind and Gabe Gross (okay, he’s not that young). And there’s David Dejesus, who defies categorization.

4. I am now 26 points out of 11th place and no threat to you. The longer you wait, the less of a threat I become.

5. I am primarily looking for a minimum high school graduate (GED will do) who breathes. A batter who has never gotten within 30 yards of the Mendoza Line would be nice, as would any pitcher whose arm is still attached and has an ERA lower than 5.00. Saves are nice, but not required. Actually, batters would be more valuable than pitchers right now because I just decided that, at this particular moment, I hate pitchers more.

6. I am now 45 points out of 11th place and still no threat to you. If you don’t respond soon, I will be forced to activate Brett Tomko. This is no joke. I am not kidding.

7. Despite all the above, I am not desperate. It is still April for another three hours which means everything that has happened over the past four weeks is irrelevant. So don’t offer me Sidney Ponson for Torii Hunter. I may be so deep in last place that I need a GPS to find 11th, but I am not dead yet.

8. Crap. I am now 78 points out of 11th. Tomko — up.

Of course, all these Tomko references were tongue in cheek. With a PQS trend of 3,3,4,0,0, there was no way I would activate him (per step #1 above).

And of course, Tomko would then proceed to post a PQS-5.

(While it is maddening, this occurrence is good news in some leagues as Tomko potentially becomes short-term trade bait for someone looking to catch lightning in a bottle. Unfortunately for me, in experts-level play like Tout Wars, a Tomko PQS-5 is viewed akin to a solar eclipse.)

When I’ve sent these email blasts out in the past, particularly when I was middle of the pack, I’d typically get one or two responses. When I sent this out, I received six responses! Another advantage to being in last place is that people are more willing to deal with you.

Of course, some of the proposals were off the wall, asking for $500 worth of value in exchange for a one-armed catcher and an Appy League mascot. In the end, I made a minor deal — Joey Gathright for Luke Hochevar — that has potential upside and risk for both owners while freeing up one of my outfield slots. Digging out of a hole doesn’t necessarily require a backhoe; in May, a small shovel can start the job just as well.

5. Wait a full month before reassessing again.

As tough as it was to suffer through April, all roster changes take a while to filter down to the standings. We are naturally impatient, but resist the temptation to tinker and micro-manage. It typically takes a full month for an impact to become evident.

So wait it out. Resist following your players in action or monitoring the standings. Have a beer. Have three. Have 12. If it is difficult for you to go cold turkey on baseball, just watch SportsCenter highlights each night to ensure that you don’t accidentally see one of your players.

6. Celebrate Memorial Day.

It is time to remember all those noble men and women who gave their lives so that you could play fantasy baseball in freedom. So observe a moment of silence before you open your standings page that morning.

And when you do open those standings, remember this rule of thumb… If you are within 30 points of first place at the All Star Break, you may still have a reasonable shot at winning. In 2004, I was 45 points out at the Break and finished in 2nd, 9 points out. Depending upon the stratification of the category standings in your league, lots can still happen in the second half. For instance, your league’s first place team could have an “April from Hell” in September.

So… If your team is within shouting distance of that 30 point margin on Memorial Day, you’re good to go. If you are not within shouting distance, well… at that point, some folks may just pack it in and punt the season. After all, why be masochistic?

Or…. just move a little closer and shout louder. Why give up all the fun?

And of course, you could just move on to the next lesson… “How to be a Spoiler for Fun and Profit”